THE LATEST: Police are warning Jesus to return to Earth this year. “Yes, it’s right in quarantine” says police lawyer

It’s new times. Easter has barely got underway and many Christians hope, even this year, that Jesus suddenly returns to the field and retrieves his. “Completely out of the question that Jesus gathers His disciples. The rules are for all” says responsible police lawyer Solveig Boll Vold to eAvisa

Must be quarantined
As a result of the strict rules associated with the Corona outbreak, Jesus will probably get a real surprise if he decides to return this year. “Yes then must be right in quarantine,” says the police lawyer who says they will treat Jesus in the same way as everyone else. “Yes here it is dugnad and it must also Jesus be a part of” he says

Sin says church
The church, on the other hand, is not particularly impressed by the police’s handling of a possible return from heaven. “Honestly, if the son of God, Jesus chooses to come with his salvation we must then be able to give him some special treatment”says priest Vidgun Gnurebukk. “No, no and again no”replies the police lawyer via his home office. He’s clearly annoyed. He’s got a cabin.

So that’s the way it is. Right in quarantine with Jesus and no more than max 3 people

BREAKING NEWS: Cohabiting couples still haven’t been bored enough to have sex

A cohabiting couple from Fjottfjord tells eAvisa in an interview that they still have not had any kind of sex even though they have spent 4 weeks in quarantine in their 49 sqm apartment. “We somehow don’t have interest, there’s still a lot to see on your phone”says Ann-Zathan in a comment

Boring, but not so boring
She goes on to say that neither she nor her husband have thought about having sex even though in practice they are locked up together 24 hours a day. “No we have Netflix, the phone and a Donald pocket from 1983 so we’ll be all right,” she says. However, she opens the possibility that it can be sex if this quarantine situation lasts for many months. “We’ll see”she says

Don’t really talk either.
The man who doesn’t say much in the interview seems very busy on his mobile. “Yes he’s 24 hours a day on that mobile, he says he talks to comrades, but I don’t know I”says Ann-Zathan. She goes on to say that they don’t really talk much either. “It’s best that way, it’s just bickering,”she says. “AGREE!” Her husband responds from the couch as he stares intensively at his mobile

THE LATEST: Andrè was forced to be quarantined with 3 nurses. “I can’t stand it” he says bravely.

Andrè Blomkål Nisse from Lofoten West has been quarantined for the past three weeks after a doctor suspected Corona-contagion with him. Andrè is forced to spend the quarantine time with 3 nurses who also show weak symptoms that they are infected. “I try to be positive” says Andrè

Holds out
Andrè says that after all, the days go smoothly. “It’s a long day and we’re all forced together in a small apartment and have to share 1 double bed, but all in all I feel like it’s okay” says the brave 29-year-old man. Andrè is looking forward to the quarantine time being over so he can go on the town and meet girls again. “Yes, they’re cute the three nurses I’m quarantined with, but I’m starting to yearn for some new meat”smiles the charming man

Has no underlying diseases
Furthermore, Andrè says that he has no underlying diseases. “Nei om ikke kronisk kåt er en sykdom har jeg ikke det, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” ler han lenge. One of the nurses cleans her eyes from the couch, but admits she likes assholes. “Yes it’s weird about it, the more pathetic they are the better I like them,”she says.

eAvisa follows the case further…

SISTE: Andrè ble tvunget til å sitte i karantene med 3 sykepleiere. “Jeg holder ut” sier han tappert

Andrè Blomkål Nisse fra Lofoten Vest har de siste 3 ukene sittet i karantene etter at en lege mistenkte Corona-smitt hos ham. Andrè er tvunget til å tilbringe karantene-tiden sammen med 3 sykepleiere som også viser svake symptomer på at de er smittet. “Jeg prøver å være positiv” sier Andrè

Holder ut
Andrè forteller at dagene tross alt går greit. “Det er lange dager og vi er alle tvunget sammen i en liten leilighet og må dele 1 dobbelseng, men alt i alt opplever jeg at det går greit” sier den tapre 29 år gamle mannen. Andrè gleder seg til karantene-tiden er over slik at han kan dra på byen og møte jenter igjen. “Ja, de er jo småsøte de 3 sykepleierne jeg sitter i karantene med, men jeg begynner å lengte etter noe nytt kjøtt” smiler den sjarmerende mannen

Har ingen underliggende sykdommer
Videre forteller Andrè at han ikke har noen underliggende sykdommer. “Nei om ikke kronisk kåt er en sykdom har jeg ikke det, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” ler han lenge. En av sykepleierne himler med øynene fra sofaen, men innrømmer at hun liker drittsekker. “Ja det er rart med det, jo mer patetiske de er jo bedre liker jeg dem” sier hun.

eAvisa følger saken videre…

BREAKING NEWS: Aurora believes eyebrow stylists have a socially critical function and should open their stores

“This is no longer going, now the government actually has to take hold. Me and hundreds of women now walk around looking like monsters“says Aurora Brynerud from Bryn in Oslo. She is determined that those who style eyebrows also have a socially critical role and that they should be granted dispensation to open their clinics

That’s not
how we’re supposed to have it. Lene who works daily as a stylist blogger is both despairing, angry and a little frustrated. “Yes, I don’t look. When both doctors, store employees and not least those who pick up rubbish are allowed to work then really eyebrow-stylists should also get to work. The job they do is indispensable or indispensable or whatever it is called” she says. “That’s not how we should have it in 2020” she continues.

Considering dropping up on restrictions
Bryn og negl spokesman for the Conservative Party Sivert Landblod says in a brief comment that they are now looking at the possibility of letting up on the restrictions and allowing eyebrow clinics to treat the very ugliest. “We see that there will be more and more girls with eyebrows that look cruel so we’re going to put this on the agenda,” he says. He works from home in shirt and boxer shorts

eAvisa follows the case further and updates the article should relevant information be found related to this article. Bye

SISTE NYTT: Aurora mener øyenbryn-stylister har en samfunnskritisk funksjon og bør åpne butikkene sine

“Dette går ikke lenger, nå må faktisk regjeringen ta tak. Jeg og mange hundre kvinner går nå rundt og ser ut som monstre” sier Aurora Brynerud fra Bryn i Oslo. Hun er fast bestemt på at de som styler øyenbryn også har en samfunnskritisk rolle og at de bør få dispensasjon til å åpne sine klinikker

Slik skal vi ikke ha det
Lene som til daglig jobber som stylist-blogger er både fortvilet, sint og litt frustrert. “Ja jeg ser jo ikke ut. Når både leger, butikkansatte og ikke minst de som henter søppel får lov å jobbe så burde virkelig øyenbryn-stylister også få jobbe. Jobben de gjør er ufravikelig eller uunnværlig eller hva det nå enn heter” sier hun. “Slik bør vi ikke ha det i 2020” sier hun videre

Vurderer å slippe opp på restriksjoner
Bryn og negl-talsmann for Høyre Sivert Landblod sier i en kort kommentar at de nå ser på muligheten for å slippe opp på restriksjonene og gi øyenbryn-klinikker lov til å behandle de aller styggeste. “Vi ser jo at det blir fler og fler jenter med øyenbryn som ser grusomme ut så dette skal vi sette på dagsorden” sier han. Han jobber hjemmenfra i skjorte og boxershorts

eAvisa følger saken videre og oppdaterer artikkelen dersom det skulle dukke opp relevant informasjon tilknyttet denne artikkelen. Hadet

RIGHT NOW: Woman (33 years old) unsure she is pregnant or if she has just put on something violent in the past week

“It’s simply hard to say. I’ve both fucked and eaten more than usual so it’s going to be somehow impossible to know” says the woman who in recent days is really wondering if she is pregnant or if she is just getting very fat. In the past week she has eaten very much and enjoyed herself very much with her boyfriend named Geir

Common that
women wonder Researcher and female doctor Trond Rasmus Rassrød tells eAvisa that it is quite common for women to wonder about this. “Sure, this is not uncommon. This is typical for women who have an active sex life and who in addition to a lot of fucking also eat more than they should” he says. He asks the woman to relax and eat less. “Probablyboring to go like that to wonder, but it’s just eating less so the answer gives itself” says the doctor

Drinking a
lot of Pepsi Max The woman, who has previously been admitted to a soda clinic for her Pepsi Max addiction, admits she has been drinking on soda in recent days. “Yes, just throw the towel back in. I drink soda several times a day now” admits the woman who also works as a dentist but who is currently laid off because she then either has an eating problem or is pregnant

eAvisa follows the case further

AKKURAT NÅ: Kvinne (33 år) usikker på hun er gravid eller om hun bare har lagt på seg noe voldsomt den siste uken

“Det er rett og slett vanskelig å si. Jeg har både knullet og spist mer enn vanlig så det blir liksom umulig å vite” sier kvinnen som de siste dagene lurer veldig på om hun er gravid eller om hun bare er på vei til å bli veldig tjukk. Den siste uken har hun spist veldig mye og kost seg veldig med kjæresten sin som heter Geir

Vanlig at kvinner lurer
Forsker og kvinne-lege Trond Rasmus Rassrød sier til eAvisa at det er helt vanlig at kvinner lurer på dette. “Jada, dette er ikke uvanlig. Dette er typisk for kvinner som har et aktivt sexliv og som i tillegg til mye knulling også spiser mer enn de burde” sier han. Han ber kvinnen slappe av og spise mindre. “Sikkert kjedelig å gå slik å lure, men det er jo bare å spise mindre så gir jo svaret seg selv” sier legen

Drikker mye Pepsi Max
Kvinnen som tidligere har vært innlagt på en brus-klinikk for sin Pepsi Max-avhengighet og innrømmer at hun har ruset seg på brus de siste dagene. “Ja det er bare å kaste inn håndkleet igjen. Jeg drikker brus flere ganger om dagen nå” innrømmer kvinnen som også jobber som tannlege, men som akkurat nå er permittert fordi hun da altså enten har et spiseproblem eller er gravid

eAvisa følger saken videre

FINAL EASTER HOLIDAY: Going to be well with a few days at home in the living room

Finally, it’s easter. Norwegians can’t wait to celebrate the time marked by hares, marzipan and board games. Just as God and Jesus wanted us to remember Him. This year, in fact, many Norwegians are reporting that they will stay home

Popular with home Easter
“We see that many Norwegians this year choose to stay at home instead of going to the cabin and it is cozy” says researcher Magnus Bøtt Kåkk to eAvisa. He thinks home Easter is popular because many people find it nice to just relax at home with a good movie and several kilos of marzipan. “Yes marzipan is good so it’s no wonder it’s popular”he smiles

Soon Christmas
too According to the Norwegian Research Association, many Norwegians are also now planning to celebrate Christmas at home. “Norwegiansare happy at Christmas and this year most people plan to start christmas celebrations as early as July” shows research reports compiled by many scientists who have right now chosen to work from home

Happy Easter…… and Christmas!

24 creative ways people protect themselves from Corona

There is a lack of infection control equipment all over the world. This allows you to find creative and new ways to protect yourself from the cruel Corona virus